A Twist of Humor

This is a column with a twist of humor. A new column will be posted every Monday.

Name:
Location: Newfoundland

I was born, raised, educated, and married in Toronto. I moved to Newfoundland twenty some years ago with my wife. So far nobody has asked me to leave. My wife asking me to leave doesn't count.

Monday, October 16, 2006

My Retirement Fund

It has come to my attention that I may need to put more effort into building up my retirement fund.

Originally it was my intention to make my way to the nearest ATM machine whenever I needed funds to maintain my modest lifestyle. I had thoroughly studied this idea over time and it seemed an easy and reliable way to secure money. Just punch in a few numbers, wait a second or two, and out popped some cash. Problem solved I thought.

However, there was a flaw in this plan which was not obvious to me until my wife had a talk with me.

Apparently, as she explained it to me, before one can withdraw money out of the bank machine one has to first deposit money into the bank, and before one can make a deposit one has to first earn some money. Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather when she told me this. I had to take her word for it, although it sounds like a rather bizarre and unfriendly concept to me.

Shortly after that shocking discovery I was thinking of alternative retirement plans when I read about a grandmother who robbed a bank of some money so she could pay her rent. I presumed because she was in her sixties and a grandmother she was retired. I thought here was a novel way for providing for ones retirement. I believe this is called thinking outside the box.

I can hear some of the less innovative and resourceful of you say, “Why don’t you just save more of your money?”

Well, to answer that, when I sent Revenue Canada a statement of my earnings they sent me in return a sympathy card and a note thanking me for the good laugh. For those who may not know, Revenue Canada is the government department on whose capable shoulders falls the onerous duty of taking people, turning them upside down, and shaking all the loose change out of their pockets. This is a duty they discharge with admirable enthusiasm if not outright joy.

Besides, I didn’t think the banks would mind if I funded my retirement through this means. After all I didn’t intend to take all the money from one bank but rather a little money from scores of banks. They wouldn’t even notice they were being relieved of their money if I did it this way. And if by chance they did notice, why, they would recognize in me and my methods a kindred spirit and a familiar business plan. I’m sure they would consider me as just part of the fraternity.

My musings on this subject came to nothing because to find enough banks to put my plan into action I would have had to travel to a more populous place like Toronto. I thought the competition in this line of work would be too tough, and my experience too limited for me to be successful in such a place.

I’m now doing further research on the ATM machines to see if there are any loopholes in what my wife said. I’m not getting my hopes up.

I’m reminded of some advice my father-in-law gave me years ago. He said, “Don’t grow old.” I wonder if it’s too late to follow his advice?

© Mike Cook 2006

6 Comments:

Blogger QuillDancer said...

Poor, Mike.

2:55 AM  
Blogger QuillDancer said...

I meant that literally.

2:55 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

I thnk your idea has great merit. Perhaps you could collect those cute little ATM cards from other people. I think if you watched carefully, and studied hard you could learn what numbers they punched in. They wouldn't mind, I'm sure. They propbably have put lots of money in that they'll never use. Let me know how it works. I'm off to Paris now - I'll check out the scene there for you....in case you have to move in a hurry!

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Melony Louise said...

That is pure genius indeed! And to think once I got out of school I was going to do something as stereotypical and foolish as run a register at a Petsmart ... Thanks, Mike, for changing my ways!

1:25 AM  
Anonymous Memphis said...

I laughed so much at your satire you have no idea! Then MY wife pointed out that I got the whole satire thing the wrong way round and that YOUR wife was actually right in the first place and that is how the whole banking system works. I thought you were just being clever and now find myself in the same boat - it was much nicer before when i was ignorant... well more ignorant.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Mindless Dribbler said...

I think I just learned a valuable lesson today....thanks dude

12:30 PM  

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