A Twist of Humor

This is a column with a twist of humor. A new column will be posted every Monday.

Location: Newfoundland

I was born, raised, educated, and married in Toronto. I moved to Newfoundland twenty some years ago with my wife. So far nobody has asked me to leave. My wife asking me to leave doesn't count.

Monday, November 13, 2006

A Good Day

I was reading the other day that super model Linda Evangilista is reported to have said that she didn’t wake up for less than ten thousand dollars. I guess anything less would be a bad day for her.

My expectations are a tad lower.

A good day for me begins when I put my pants on without tripping and falling on my nose.

The ingredients for a good day in my world are things like the smile of a small child, a beautiful sunrise or sunset, the sweet smell of spring, my wife admitting I was right and she was wrong.

In no particular order, here are ten other things that would result in a good day for me:

I would consider it a good day if someone other than me took the kitchen garbage bag out when it was full. The only time it gets changed if I don’t do it, is when the Department of Health raids the kitchen and condemns it.

I would consider it a good day if I don’t read that something I enjoy eating or doing will kill me. The list of things that will lead to my premature death now totals 35,004. I know this because the list is bolted to my fridge door and is updated hourly.

I would consider it a good day if I could get into my son’s room without having a backhoe clear it out first. At first glance, this observation might seem like an injustice to my son or an exaggeration, until you know that we once lost him in his room for three days.

I would consider it a good day if I got a lot of junk mail. I know most people hate junk mail but think about this; if the mail box is stuffed full of junk mail then there isn’t any room for bills. There truly is a silver lining in all things.

I would consider it a good day if I remembered to pull in my stomach when an attractive woman came into my presence. It would also be nice if I remembered why I might want to do this and the attractive woman didn’t giggle too much at my efforts.

I would consider it a good day if my zipper stayed up. When your zipper decides to head south, you have to try and surreptitiously pull it up so that no one will notice what you’re doing, while at the same time looking as suave and nonchalant as possible. This is hard to do. The only other alternative is to pretend your zipper is up even though you are feeling a draft where you shouldn’t.

I would consider it a good day if the dogs in my neighborhood didn’t crap on my lawn. I don’t have a dog, but in the course of a year I get enough dog crap deposited on my lawn so that if I was able to bag it and sell it for say five dollars a bag I could then afford a nice winter vacation in Florida.

I would consider it a good day if my car broke down before my warranties ran out and not the day after. It is against the laws of the universe for it to happen that way though.

I would consider it a good day if after a snow storm the snowplow operator henceforth known as the snowplow @#*&%! only plowed one truck load of snow into my driveway instead of the mandatory two or three loads. This would deprive the man of much pleasure but that is a sacrifice I’m willing to make on his behalf.

I would consider it a good day if I woke up one Saturday or Sunday morning and my wife said, “Honey you can put your feet up and watch sports on television all day while I bring you drinks and snacks.” If this ever happened, I would immediately know without a shadow of doubt I had taken up residence in the Twilight Zone.

Even though none of the above happened today I still had a good day because I’ve managed to write another column. This is a major achievement on my part when you consider that after my wife read my column, A Spark of Genius, she was more than a little irritated with me. She has the idea now that I may not be as helpless with tools as I appeared to be. We are putting down hardwood flooring so she told me I had to take up the old carpet and help Reg put down the new floor. Between Reg and my wife I haven’t had much spare time. I’m not letting her read anything else I write.

© Mike Cook 2006


Blogger QuillDancer said...

I consider it a good day when you update your column! Oh, uhm -- zip up your pants! For Pete's-sake!

4:46 AM  
Anonymous liz said...

i have a good day today when since i stumbled on your blog. nice blog. :P
Motorcycle Boots

6:42 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

I think there should be a way to block all family members from reading our blogs....think what a wealth of material there would be if we didn't have to worry about getting caught?
I consider it a good day when my husband doesn't do something to cut the power in the middle of my post....

9:05 AM  
Blogger Jann said...

You are hilarious! Zippers are no-biggie.....I would consider it a good day when you have hired someone to come in and do the floors..!!

8:20 PM  
Anonymous The TechnoBabe said...

I had a similar list here

but yours is much better. Glad I saw your list. You do have a good humor. And obviously your wife must have a great sense of humor as well.

3:25 AM  
Anonymous Anita said...

I would certainly consider it a good day if someone offered me $10,000 to wake up! Wow, must be nice.

4:14 AM  

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