A Twist of Humor

This is a column with a twist of humor. A new column will be posted every Monday.

Location: Newfoundland

I was born, raised, educated, and married in Toronto. I moved to Newfoundland twenty some years ago with my wife. So far nobody has asked me to leave. My wife asking me to leave doesn't count.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Movers And Shakers

One of Canada’s most important national institutions is the local donut shop. These revered establishments bind the country together from sea to sea to sea.

There is a reason Canadians eat more donuts and have more donut shops per capita than the rest of the world. These shops are the peoples’ meeting place where we come to socialize and where the nation’s business is conducted by the country’s movers and shakers. Why, I have even heard that the Prime Minister and his staff take their morning coffee break in the donut shop near the parliament buildings where they plot the nation’s course over coffee and jelly donuts.

Just the other day I had the privilege to see and hear some movers and shakers in action at a donut shop. Being one of the ordinary people it wasn’t acceptable for me to sit at the same table as them, but I was close enough to soak up their accumulated wisdom. At the head of that august table was none other than Smedley Smyth-Smith. It is rumored that he is going to run for Member of Parliament in the next federal election.

Smedley has what can best be described as a horsey head and teeth. There are those that say the rest of Smedly can best be described as the other end of the horse. The other two distinguished movers and shakers at the table were Ebenezer, a banker and Dick, a lawyer.

While I was eating my coconut cream donut and downing my coffee I heard Smedley tell his tablemates that he had the solution to the problem of the homeless. He paused after saying this and smugly looked around the table anticipating the encouragement to expand on his statement. And of course it came because who would not want to know how the great man proposed to end the problem of the homeless in our time.

Beaming around the table he said, “We take the homeless amongst us and shoot them.”

This declaration would cause even the most reactionary of people to pause a moment for thought and Ebenezer and Dick did just that. Ebenezer, after giving time for this idea to meander about his brain said, “Eh, would we be allowed to do that? Wouldn’t we need to get government approval? Surely someone would object.”

Dick, who had been looking at the idea from a legal perspective said, “I would have to get my clerk to look it up in my law book back at the office for a definitive answer; however, it’s my considered opinion that if we made proper applications to the proper authorities it might be possible. Besides it’s not like the homeless are cute and cuddly. So we wouldn’t be bothered by a lot of celebrities wanting to have their pictures taken with them and causing problems.”

At this point an exasperated Smedley Smyth-Smith interrupted, “What are you two silly buggers talking about? I don’t mean we shoot them dead.”

Dick’s well-trained legal mind wasn’t going to just let this puzzling statement go by without comment. “If we don’t shoot them dead then how do you propose to shoot them?”

“I mean we shoot them with tranquilizer darts,” said Smedley.

“Why would we do that?” asked Ebenezer through a Boston cream donut.

Smedley looked at his two companions; and seeing that perhaps their intelligence didn’t quite match his own, took a deep breath and explained.

My own intelligence I must admit is not on the same level as Smedley or even Ebenezer and Dick, but what I gathered from Smedley’s explanation was that he intended for the government to round up all the homeless people and have them moved to a hunting reserve where they would be sheltered and fed. They would then have wealthy tourists come in and pay a large fee to hunt down the homeless and shoot them with a tranquilizer dart; and if a small profit was made so much the better.

After his explanation Smedley looked around, smiling broadly, waiting for the inevitable chorus of, “Well done Smedley!”

Dick put down his coffee cup, wiped the apple fritter crumbs from the corner of his mouth, and said, “You’ve overlooked one thing Smedley. You can’t have a bunch of tourists who can’t vote running around the woods shooting tranquilizer darts all over the place upsetting the moose. If you upset the moose you upset the moose hunters who can vote. No Smedley boy, it won’t do.”

At this revelation Smedley looked crestfallen for a second and then he brightened and said, “I do have a backup plan.”

“And what would that be?” asked Ebenezer.

Florida,” said Smedley.

Florida?” echoed the others.

“We ship our homeless to Florida. It’s warm there so they’ll be comfortable and besides Florida is hanging down from the bottom of the States so I don’t think anyone will notice,” explained Smedley.

“I don’t think the Americans will like that,” said Ebenezer. “They’re still upset with us for shipping all that cold air down there, not to mention Pamela Anderson. When they find out they’ll ship our homeless back here. And then I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t steal our idea and ship their homeless and who knows what else here.”

I left the donut shop with the problem of the homeless still unresolved. However I felt better knowing that the country’s leaders are working so diligently on solving this problem, not to mention the problem of poverty and all the other important issues facing us today.

© Mike Cook 2006


Blogger Katie said...

It warms the heart to know that you are in such good hands - should you ever become homeless, that is....
The Minnesotaa homeless do go to Florida for the winter...

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hail to the Doughnut Shops of America...Errr.. and Canada Eh?!

Great Blog!

6:20 PM  
Blogger QuillDancer said...

Mike, just don't ship them to Vegas. Our city council proposed rounding all the homeless up in the park and starving them to death. Not kidding: one faces a very steep fine here for feeding the homeless on public proprty.

2:44 PM  
Blogger choochoo said...

I've never been able to understand why they call'em doughnuts. The dough-part I get, but the nut...?

9:30 PM  
Blogger Dave Dragon said...

Love the humor in your style, it's both jovial and cutting, as is humors nature.

We all have too many homeless, houseless, jobless and hopeless souls among our numbers.

Peace be with you

Dave Dragon

1:32 PM  

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