A Twist of Humor

This is a column with a twist of humor. A new column will be posted every Monday.

Location: Newfoundland

I was born, raised, educated, and married in Toronto. I moved to Newfoundland twenty some years ago with my wife. So far nobody has asked me to leave. My wife asking me to leave doesn't count.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Shocking Behavior

I have something indelicate to tell you. It has to do with my wife and what goes on behind closed doors in the bedroom. I don’t quite know how to put it. Maybe I should just stop beating around the bush and come right out with it. Here it is. My wife snores. There, it’s out in the open. I feel liberated already. The sky didn’t fall and the sun is still shining or it would be if it wasn’t cloudy and raining and night time. But I’m sure it’s shining somewhere. At least that is the rumor we’ve heard.

What I write of next may seem like a ridiculous exaggeration until you remember I’m not one given to overstatement or half truths. One night my wife was snoring in a particularly provocative cadence when all of a sudden a very excited bull moose made an appearance at our bedroom window. I could tell from the look in his eyes he was there to do some serious courting. Unfortunately for the moose his overtures were not requited and so he departed a very much disappointed if wiser moose.

The problem was what to do about her snoring so that the moose and I could get good nights’ sleep. I didn’t want to embarrass my wife by complaining about her nocturnal trumpeting, so I tried some subtle hints. For instance, once when she was snoring with what I thought was extra enthusiasm, I surreptitiously pulled back the blankets and tenderly rolled her over to the edge of the bed and then I gently pushed her out onto the floor. I then scampered back to my side of the bed and pretended I was asleep while she hauled herself off the floor and back into bed.

I could feel my wife’s eyes as they bored into my back. However, I felt safe because I was wearing the camouflage of an innocent babe asleep in his crib.

I’m not sure but I think I might have overdone it with the subtle hints the other night. My wife is still not talking to me. It seems she resented the pillow I put over her face to smother the sounds of her snoring.

Well I’ve just received some very disturbing news. In the midst of writing this my wife called me to come and hear a recording she made in our bedroom last night. What I heard is almost indescribable. It was a thunderous snoring of a kind that would cause the jackals of hell to cower in fear. It was most certainly masculine in its origins. I am upset, embarrassed, annoyed, angry, and a little ticked off at this revolting turn of events.

Imagine someone having enough cheek to steal into our house, our bedroom, our very own bed even and snore like that.

My wife was reading over my shoulder the previous sentence and when she finished she mumbled about going to a motel and something about a stupid idiot. I don’t blame her for wanting to go to a motel until we get to the bottom of this deplorable situation but I think she is underestimating the perpetrator of this appalling snoring by calling him an idiot.

I have to say to whoever you are, what you did is the most shocking behavior I have ever heard of. Shame on you. By the way you really ought to do something about that dreadful snoring before someone puts a pillow over your face.

© Mike Cook 2006


Blogger Katie said...

I believe you have 'snore ghosts'. They have occasionally infested our house as well. They appear to take over sleeping humans for short intervals, but only at night. I suggest an exorcism....pillows never work for the long-term.

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Allison said...

Thanks for laugh - I really needed it today!

I also have a problem with snore ghosts - let me know if the exorcism works!

10:49 PM  
Blogger golfwidow said...

My husband once woke me from a sound sleep to tell me my snoring was keeping him awake. He then fell asleep immediately, snoring so loudly that it took me several hours to tune him out.

He had no recollection of the incident the next morning.

What happens in dreamland, apparently, stays in dreamland.

10:06 AM  
Blogger QuillDancer said...

Mike, as someone who is frequently awakened by loud snoring despite the fact that I live alone, I am also very interested in the results of your investigation.

6:51 AM  
Anonymous Rev. Qelqoth said...

Ahh...the extra marital perks I see! Blimey - I think you got off lightly there! My wife would've castrated me in seconds!

11:32 PM  
Blogger Jann said...

I think this mysterious fellow has been in our home too-what hotel are you guys hangingn out in? HeeHee!

8:17 PM  

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